PARODY. MeetASpy is satire, not a real service. Every profile, quote and price on this page is invented.
MeetASpy PARODY
DATING FOR PEOPLE WITH ACCESS

Finally, someone who's really interested in your work.

MeetASpy pairs lonely executives with attentive strangers who remember everything you say. Verbatim. With timestamps.

Get recruited See who's watching
No swiping. They already picked you. Preview the app
AI-generated surveillance-style image of a fictional woman in a wide-brimmed hat, sunglasses and trench coat at a hotel bar
CAM 04 · 23:41 · HOTEL BAR
FICTIONAL PROFILE
Definitely Not Svetlana, 29
COVER: Regional Sales Consultant

Likes: your badge, your roadmap, long walks through your data center.

PARODY
SIX SERVICES ONE COVER STORY ZERO DEFENSIVE BRIEFINGS 100% OF MESSAGES READ (BY SEVERAL PEOPLE)
HOW IT WORKS

Three steps. You'll only notice one.

01

Tell us what you have access to

Our onboarding quiz covers the basics: title, clearance, travel schedule, and how lonely it is at the top on a scale of 1 to TS/SCI.

02

Meet someone by coincidence

Same conference. Same hotel bar. Same oddly specific interest in your product roadmap. What are the odds? We know exactly.

03

Talk about your day. In detail.

Your match is a world-class listener. So is the lamp. So is the other lamp.

FEATURED PROFILES · ALL FICTIONAL · IMAGES AI-GENERATED

Singles in your area of responsibility

AI-generated surveillance-style image of a fictional man in a fleece vest shaking hands at a reception
CAM 02 · 08:15 · EMBASSY MIXER
Chad, 34
COVER: Cultural attaché
SERVICE:

Has never heard of northern Virginia. Wears a fleece vest to weddings. Would love to hear more about your thing.

AI-generated surveillance-style image of a fictional grey-haired man in a suit in a club lounge with an umbrella
CAM 11 · 19:02 · CLUB LOUNGE
Nigel, 41
COVER: Something in import-export
SERVICE:

Owns one very good suit. Apologises before every question, then asks it anyway. Knows how you take your drink.

AI-generated surveillance-style image of a fictional woman with a dark bob and yellow scarf at a restaurant table
CAM 07 · 21:30 · TABLE FOR TWO
Colette, 33
COVER: Wine journalist, allegedly
SERVICE:

Will ask about your supply chain between courses. Has filed zero articles. Somehow has an expense account.

AI-generated surveillance-style image of a fictional man with a buzz cut and gym bag holding a phone in an empty gym
CAM 01 · 06:00 · YOUR GYM
Avi, 38
COVER: Personal trainer
SERVICE:

Already knows your gate code. Asks for it anyway, to be polite. Thinks your phone should spend more time in his gym bag.

AI-generated surveillance-style image of a fictional woman with a lanyard sitting alone in the front row of an empty keynote hall
CAM 05 · 10:00 · KEYNOTE, ROW 1
Wendy, 31
COVER: Channel partner manager
SERVICE:

Passionate about your allocation schedule. Finds export paperwork romantic. Front row at every keynote you give.

AI-generated surveillance-style image of a fictional woman in a wide-brimmed hat, sunglasses and trench coat at a hotel bar
CAM 04 · 23:41 · HOTEL BAR
Definitely Not Svetlana, 29
COVER: Regional Sales Consultant
SERVICE:

Region unspecified. Sales unspecified. Loves your badge, your roadmap, and long walks through your data center.

HANDLER TIER · ELIGIBLE ASSETS · ALL FICTIONAL · IMAGES AI-GENERATED

Eligible assets near you

Invented composites of a type, not portraits of anyone. Lonely, well-placed, and delighted you asked.

AI-generated long-lens image of a fictional moustached man in a tan suit and bolo tie talking on a steakhouse patio
LONG LENS · 12:40 · PATIO
Sen. Dale Whitcombe, 61
ROLE: Three-term senator, rectangular state

Will explain a closed-door briefing to a full patio in order to seem interesting. It works.

AI-generated long-lens image of a fictional man in an orange puffer vest on speakerphone holding an open laptop outside a coffee shop
LONG LENS · 09:20 · COFFEE SHOP
Gavin Roark, 44
ROLE: Founder and CEO, Quantaloom

Says compute every third sentence. Fired his security team because security is a mindset.

AI-generated long-lens image of a fictional balding man in a grey suit with a visible badge eating a sandwich on a park bench beside an open laptop
LONG LENS · 12:41 · CITY PARK
Phil Garrity, 53
ROLE: Deputy undersecretary, something adjacent

Wears his badge to weddings. Leaves the laptop to go and look at a pigeon.

AI-generated long-lens image of a fictional red-haired man in a quarter-zip recording a podcast behind a glass office wall
LONG LENS · 16:25 · 4TH FLOOR
Tripp Halloway, 39
ROLE: General partner and podcast host

Describes his companies' confidential plans on a weekly show as a way of adding value.

PRICING · ALSO FAKE

Plans for every level of exposure

ASSET
Free

You pay in other ways.

  • One suspiciously perfect match
  • Unlimited follow-up questions
  • Complimentary phone charger. Do use it.
HANDLER · MOST POPULAR
$49 / month, unmarked

For professionals managing several relationships at once.

  • Up to five assets
  • Shared calendar, dead drops included
  • Quarterly performance review of your feelings
BURNED
Non-refundable

Assigned automatically. You'll read about it first.

  • Profile removed. It was never there.
  • Free invitation to a closed-door briefing
  • Exfiltration sold separately
TESTIMONIALS · INVENTED, LIKE EVERYTHING HERE

Success stories we made up

Read the full case files
"She asked about my second-half roadmap on the first date. I felt seen."
Fictional CEO, net worth redacted
"Nobody has ever remembered my travel itinerary this well. Not even me."
Fictional deputy undersecretary, name withheld
"We met at a conference neither of us was registered for. It was fate, plus a budget line."
Fictional match, both names are aliases
TERMS OF SERVICE, ABRIDGED

Questions you should have asked earlier

Is a defensive briefing included?

No. Defensive briefings are not included in any plan and are not available as an add-on.

Will my own government tell me if my match is a spy?

Eventually. Possibly through a newspaper.

How do you verify profiles?

Every profile is backed by at least three passports.

Can I delete my data?

You can delete your copy.

Get recruited This button does nothing. This is a joke website.